The Life Of A LittlBUGer

As the title states, I don’t have a whole lot to say today except…

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!  WHOOPEE!!!

“The cake is a lie…” isn’t true today!  AH HA!

OK, maybe I had a little… 

Yay, it’s finally, FINALLY, snowing! Yes, I like snow and yes, we were supposed to get snow like 3-4 weeks ago, which is typical for where I live. But the weather has been strange this year as most of you know, so we didn’t get it until today. I usually don’t even listen to the weather people as 95% of the time they don’t know what the weather will be like until 10 minutes before it happens. But they were right about this, finally. It’s been snowing like crazy for the past couple hours and we’ve got maybe a good inch or so actually sticking. What fun it is! I know many people don’t like the snow and a lot of people don’t know how to drive in it… A LOT, but I do just fine in my little 1996 Nissan Pickup truck with 2-wheel drive and extra weight in the back. Lesson of the day for those who don’t know how to drive in snow: ALWAYS GO SLOW! And don’t drive at night when all of the melted snow is freezing (if it isn’t already). For those of you who don’t get snow at all, I pity you, you sad fools of the heat.

Please enjoy a crappy pic of what it currently looks like here:

Well, I thought I might as well fill more of my blog with crap and post some of my favorite quotes. What’s better than posting new crap? Quoting old crap!

Quote 1: “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” - Albert Einstein

Quote 2: “Computers are really strange - first everything works fine, then something goes terribly wrong and nothing works, and then - like a thunderbolt from a clear sky, everything is back to normal again. It’s like nothing ever happened. Like the computer were female.” - Unknown

Quote 3: “Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy. In a jar on my desk.” - Stephen King

Quote 4: “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.” - Bill Vaughan

Quote 5: “Microsoft Windows [n.]: A thirty-two bit extension and GUI shell to a sixteen bit patch to an eight bit operating system originally coded for a four bit microprocessor and sold by a two-bit company that can’t stand one bit of competition.” - Unknown

BONUS: Some Rock-Paper-Scissors fun!

Hello all and sorry that I haven’t been posting much as of late. I just haven’t seen, heard of, or been through enough drama or crap lately to make any meaningful posts. Though, I guess my grandfather’s 80th birthday was something special, but nothing worth noting here. And I do have some crapified issues at work I can express to the world here, but still not good enough. Eh, oh well, I guess I’ll leave you all with a fun poem I found. Enjoy.

A Poem for Computer Users Over 40

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one’s been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!

For those of you who know (or those who don’t), I’m a “hardcore gamer”.  Yes, my family kind of sucks the life out of that term because I may get an hour a night or less to actually do anything on my computer, nevertheless actually game, but still, I consider that phrase good.  The reason?  There is nothing else in this world that can help get or keep me sincerely calm and relaxed like a good game can.  My family/wife?  Bah!  My friends?  LOL!  Nope, it all comes to my gaming and I.  It’s just something I love to do.  I love to explore new worlds and kick other faceless people’s asses (though it’s also fun to kick your friend’s ass too) and to mainly just get away from all of the crap in the “real world.”  There’s so much stress and chaos and dullness and no adventure here that it’s just natural to feel so much better in a game.  I mean, I could have a stomach ache or a headache or some other type of pain and yet once I get into a game, I really don’t feel anything buy happiness.  Sure, there’s games where things can get frustrating and difficult and whatnot, but that’s easy to deal with, as if it becomes too much, you stop playing that game and move on to the next for a while.  Simple, easy, fun.  Real world?  Not simple, not easy, no fun.  Some of you may think I’m a horrible beast, that my kids nor my wife can’t make me happy and such.  I never said they couldn’t make me happy and whatnot, I just said they can’t take all of the stress, dullness, depression, and crap away from the world like a good game can.  Nothing more… now… where was I going with this…?  Hmm…. oh yes!  I’m curious, is anyone out there just like me?  If so, what games do you play as I’d love to kick your ass some time (though co-op is just as fun). 

Anyway, somewhat related to the above, some very recent games I’ve played have been BioShock, Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Portal, Team Fortress 2, Overlord, TrackMania United, etc.  Well, here’s some rants I have for those games before I move on to new ones like Crysis and Unreal Tournament 3 and so forth:

• BioShock: Fantastic game and made me miss the good ol days of System Shock 2.  A little short, but still great.  Only downfall—why the hell did you not provide a multiplayer interface like you did with System Shock 2??!!  SS2 actually had a fantastic multiplayer, where the only thing you can do is play the single player game with up to 3 of your friends.  Full storyline and cut scenes, saves allowed, the whole works.  Why not in BioShock as well damit!  Ending was OK, though short for either version (’good’ or ‘bad’).
• Half-Life 2: Episode 2: What??!! You ended it like that!  NOOOOO!!!!  I’ll try not to spoil it, but damit!  NOOO!!!!  I wanted to know everything he knew before he went away like that!  Sheesh!  Otherwise, wonderful game.  Oh, and bringing Achievements to the PC finally… nice touch.
• Portal: More fun than I’ve had in a long time and also added a new level of thinking to my daily brain vocabulary.  Wish there was more, but I know it was more of a long tech demo than anything.  Great job.
•  Team Fortress 2: As I’ve mentioned before, I like it the more I play it, but seriously, no grenades or armor?!  You’ve got to be kidding me!
• Overlord: A very fun game to play and provides kind of a new style of gaming, at least it was to me.  Maybe could have been slightly better, but still a good fun.  Great endings too, depending on if  you’re ‘good’ or ‘bad’. 
• TrackMania United: Some crazy racing going on here which can give great fun or great frustration.  There are types of races I can do with ease, others I can’t even get past the 3rd track.  Fun overall and I like that’s it’s not a simulated real-world game, it’s just pure crazy racing fun.

As for Crysis and UT3, you better run nicely on my gaming laptop… or else!  Until next time… 

Well, Halloween has come and gone, and so comes the time of year, where the next couple of months is spent on gaining 30 pounds after first eating candy for weeks, then eating Thanksgiving food for weeks, and then Christmas food after that.  Seriously, for people like me, who just don’t have the time (motivation) to exercise and work out, it just damn sucks.  But we get through it, only to realize Valentine’s Day will be near and so on and so forth.

Sadly, yes, I’ve actually thought about every single month of the year which holidays happen, how much it costs, etc., etc.  I got sick an tired of always having things change and always having to compensate our budget for holidays and special occasions, so I tried to figure out which time of the year things would calm down and be nice and quiet.  Because there’s people out there, like me, who don’t have savings, and who have a family to feed and just get by on the money we make each month.  Well, it turns out, it never does get calm and quiet damit!:

• January:  New Year’s Eve - Where you get drunk off your ass and don’t remember where that $500 went to… or that stripper you gave it to.
• February: Valentine’s Day - Can’t you just hear the fat melting off of you during your passionate love making?  No?  Neither can we… the fat remains while the sex does not.
• March: St. Patrick’s Day - Seriously, must we repeat the month of January so soon?  Oh, we throw in the color green and crazy leprechauns? Party!
• April: April Fool’s Day - Where either you paid to make the big laughs, or clean up after them.  So who’s the fool?  The fool that fools the fool or the fool who’s fooled by the fool?
• April (2): Easter - Shall we learn about Christ and praise Jesus on this holy or create ridiculous candy, food and games loosely based on bible themes that almost shame the purpose of the day?  I bet you voted for the candy!
• May: Memorial Day - Eh… yea you’re right, that doesn’t count.  Onward!
• May (2): Cinco De Mayo - Yes, this IS a real holiday!  :p
• May (3): Mother’s Day - It’s bad enough we have the wife’s birthday and Valentine’s Day and our Anniversary and other crap to deal with and buy shit for, but this too?  Damn…
• June: Flag Day - Seriously, this is a big…. oh who am I kidding, this doesn’t count either!
• June (2): Father’s Day - Don’t worry dads, you don’t actually get a day to yourself and not have to spend any money.  You should have re-thought that joint checking account and 5 kids idea…
• July: Independence Day - A time where it’s actually fun to spend your money because you get to blow people shit up!
• August: Don’t worry, though there’s no big holiday this month, you’ll have plenty of birthdays, anniversaries, fall parties, and other things to empty your pockets with.
• September: Labor Day - Hey, what do you know, you may end up not spending any less than $10 this day.  Good for you!
• September (2): Grandparents Day - The time of year where millions of people see and smell the joy of silly sweatshirts, cotton socks, and Old Spice cologne!
• October: Columbus Day - I need to seriously stop posting these useless holidays… but it’s just so fun!
• October (2): Halloween - Haven’t we just recently been over this before? 
• November: Veteran’s Day - Sorry, I had to post one more just one last time!
• November (2): Thanksgiving - Nothing says ‘thanks’ more than a bunch of old guys with beer guts hanging out yelling at the TV.
• December: Christmas - The grandest and most expensive day of the year… so big, it sometimes begins in late October and ends in early September.  Now that’s celebrating The Lord isn’t it!  Wait, screw that, I just want the gifts…

So, as you see, there’s no end to the misery of your money, time and energy floating away for you.  Because big business is smarter than us and we seem to accept that.  Oh well then eh?  Let’s go out and buy a new computer, because everyone knows, Christmas start on November 1st!  What about Thanksgiving?  Who cares! 

On a brighter note, just for fun…

The Portal Game End Song Lyrics:

This was a triumph,
I’m making a note here: Huge Success.
It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Aperture Science…
We do what we must because we can,
For the good of all of us,
Except the ones who are dead.

But there’s no sense crying over every mistake,
You just keep on trying till you run out of cake.
And the science gets done and you make a neat gun,
For the people who are still alive.

I’m not even angry,
I’m being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart and killed me,

And tore me to pieces,
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because,
I was so happy for you.

Now these points of data make a beautiful line,
And we’re out of beta, we’re releasing on time.
So I’m GLad I got burned, think of all the things we learned,
For the people who are still alive.

Go ahead and leave me,
I think I’d prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you’ll find someone else to help you.

Maybe Black Mesa…
That was a joke, ha ha, FAT CHANCE.
Anyway this cake is great,
It’s so delicious and moist.

Look at me still talking when there’s science to do,
When I look out there it makes me GLad I’m not you.
I’ve experiments to run, there is research to be done,
On the people who are still alive.

And believe me I am still alive.
I’m doing science and I’m still alive.
I feel fantastic and I’m still alive.
And while you’re dying I’ll be still alive.
And when you’re dead I will be still alive.
Still alive…
Still alive…

Hello. I was just curious if there were any other gamers out there who, for some reason, don’t already have Half-Life 2 and HL2: Episode 1 and who are interested in getting them for cheap? Because of my recent purchase of “The Orange Box”, I have two licenses to the above games, and thus in the Steam client, I can give the two games above to anyone I chose as a “gift” which would use one of my licenses. This is completely legal (it’s part of Steam—thus you’d need to install Steam for free and download the games through it) and it would be the full versions. Normally these would sell for somewhere around $30-40, but I’d be willing to sell them for a minimum of $10 if anyone is interested. Please let me know. Thanks.

Well, like many other gamers out there, I had to buy “The Orange Box” recently because I just couldn’t live without Half-Life 2: Episode 2, Team Fortress 2, and Portal. Portal was fantastic and I can’t wait until they implement that technology into other mainstream games. GlaDOS and the ending were just brilliant. I have yet to play HL2: Episode 2 because I’ve been too enthralled with the other games…

Team Fortress 2 on the other hand is kind of a mixed bag for me. Don’t get get me wrong, the game is good—nice graphics, sweet facial expressions, frickin hilarious at times, nice new features, and of course it’s the damned sequel to one of the greatest co-op multiplayer games of all time that’s FINALLY here. So it’s good overall. But there are a few… issues… that really bug me almost to the point of where I didn’t want to play it anymore. These include but are definitely not limited to:

1.) The maps. Obviously, it came with few maps and only two different types of maps. This is somewhat understandable as the game is new and they probably wanted to let the modding community to start hashing out stuff or to give them ideas. Then again, it’s been what, 8 FRICKIN YEARS and they only started it out with 6 maps??!! Grrr….

2.) Grenades… where the F*$K are the damn grenades?! This was one of the main features/highlights of the original TFC, to be able to not only throw and properly time the regular grenades, but to get your own special grenade based on your class chosen. It not only added another great element to the game, but it allowed for so many more things that wouldn’t have been possible. I just feel robbed without grenades and it just seems to simplify the game a bit too much, like there’s not quite enough stuff to use or at least have the availability to use. This is more or less unacceptable to me and almost made me not play the game at all after the very first time I tried it. Damn you Valve, damn you! This BETTER be FIXED in the next release/patch…. GRRRRR….

3.) Armor… again, where the hell is all the damn armor?! It’s bad enough that there’s still uneven balances between a few certain classes that allows many people to get killed way too easily, but to then also take armor out completely, the one thing that allowed you to survive that much more longer, give yourself a sense of extra security, and yet add another exciting element to the game… and it’s not there?! GAH!!! Again, unacceptable and just plain ridiculous.

4.) As I mentioned above, not quite balanced classes. Most of the things are balanced pretty decently, but the damn spy and sniper are way too powerful in this game. It’s just damn silly really. The spies can not only become a member of the other team, but they can go completely invisible?! Are you fricking kidding me? It’s hard enough at time to keep those damn spies at bay when they are already disguised as your own teammates, but to completely make them invisible is just damn crazy stupid and nearly impossible to detect. Oh, and their ability to destroy a turrent is just sad. And then there’s the sniper… let’s not only give him the ability to kill people with ease (if the player has skill) because no one has any frickin armor, but to then allow his gun to “charge up” and become super powerful and allow for one-hit kills almost no matter where you shot the victim? Seriously? Gimme a break!!!

Anyway, those are the main points for my dislike of the game. Other than the fact that, for my main class (Engineer), you can’t tell if the enemy is by your dispencer and thus destroy it to try and kill him, and your turrent is just plain too loud and obnoxious (and thus easy to spot/destroy). And what’s up the with teleportation technology? You just released Portal with these game set, yet you have the sick sad excuse for a “portal” in TF2 instead of using the ones in Portal… yea… Oh yea, and the ability for medics to heal from a distance… nice in some situations, bad in most.

So there you have it, my little rant on The Orange Box. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, as I know I … might have.

I had an experience just the other day that I know I’ll never forget. They call it… a vasectomy… or in other man-like terms, getting neutered, losing your man-hood, cutting off your dick/balls, etc…

It all started with going to the doctor, dropping my pants, and taking some medication to help calm me down and relieve pain. This was while I had I wait for the doctor to even come in while the woman nurse did her thing. Next there was the fun part of tying a thick rubber band around your penis and then using a clamp to clamp it to your shirt to hold it up and away from your scrotum (balls). Next was the fun part of them preparing the area, shaving where necessary, putting loads of extremely cold iodine, and finally having my wife help re-tie the rubber band as it fell off (how nice to have your wife, the man doctor, and the nurse with you all together, in the same room, playing with your dick). Next was the not too bad shot-of-doom, which helped dumb the skin and area a bit before they actually used the no-scalpel method of ripping a small hole into my balls.

Then the fun began. I couldn’t feel them poking around a bit or moving my balls around, but then a sudden surprise made me jump. He found and grabbed my first tube to be worked on and pulled it a bit out of the hole. The feeling was… well… like being kicked really hard in the balls, but about 50x worse… and it was non-stop. So the good doctor decided to give me a short right there to help. Luckily, after a few minutes of extreme pain, it helped and he quickly finished up with the first tube. Next he was on to the second and final tube. Again, pulling of tube, pain of being kicked in the balls but worse, shot to help, and he was done in no time. Unfortunately it didn’t seem like no time. Something that probably only took 20 minutes felt a bit longer for me. Maybe some would call me a pussy, but I just call it a completely new and unexpected experience that I wasn’t prepared for.

So then the good doctor puts a single suture to help the hole close and asks me to hold some gauss there to help stop the bleeding and nasty oozing as I sit up. So there am I, sitting there holding my balls as I’m drenched in iodine, with the doctor (and don’t forgot the female nurse) helping clean things up… and then out of nowhere, he wants to shake my hand and congratulate me. I’m sitting there, holding my balls with my right hand (the hand I shake with), in a kind of shock over the whole thing, and he wants to shake my hand like it was nothing. So I slowly extend my left hand, kind of give me a quick side-shake, and that was that.

So now it was all over and done with… or was it? NO! Now, for at least one week, I get to wear fricken whitey-tighteys (briefs as they call them) to help hold things in position, which is underneath the damn jock strap for extra support. It feels like I’m wearing a fricken tight-ass diaper with no room to move or breathe. On top of that fun, around 4 times a day, I get to put a hella cold ice pack down there with my jock strap holding it tight in place, helping my balls freeze to death (or help lessen the swelling, whatever) for 20 minutes. So not only do I get to feel like I’ve been kicked in the balls many times, but now I feel like I’m wearing a tight diaper and hell froze over down there. What a fun and entertaining experience I think. At least my wife has some medication left over from her last pregnancy that will help knock me on my ass, but still.

After all of that, I thought it was over, but oh no, I have to go back twice within a 3 month time span and give two “samples” to make sure I’m completely sterile. If I’m not, I get to have the whole experience over again. Oh joy. To make matters worse, I can’t have sex for at least a fricken week. Now, for those of you who don’t know, my wife is damn hot and sexy and is a near nympho, which doesn’t bother me. But the problem comes to the previous week before all of this fun. She’s gotten a shot of depo (medical students know what that is) in her ass which gives her a 97% chance of NOT getting pregnant for 3 months. Well, it also has side effects like getting her slightly fatter and completely taking her sex drive away. So there I am, wanting to have sex a lot before my surgery, and she doesn’t want any part of it. And now here I am, all done with the surgery, not wanting any sex my self, and suddenly her medication wears off… she wants sex like crazy, and she wants it good and hard right now. I cried all night long…

And that ladies and gentlemen, is The Intimate Vasectomy.

Life… is like a game… and no not the damn board game… damn evil thing. No, life is like a computer game… with different difficulty levels.

Now, you only get once chance, no saves or restore points, no second chances or time to think about an action before it’s done or see the future before it’s set… where would you want to play in the game of life?

Choices:

- Unmarried/Single life is like the Tutorial Level: You are just learning who you are and what you need to do (and how to do it) or if you already know, then it’s just damn ridiculously easy and fun.

- Married/Partnered life is like playing at Very Easy: Money and health aren’t an issue and you usually just have too much damn fun screwing around the game all the time with your significant other.

- Married with One Child is like playing at Easy: You’ve finally begun your quest at an official difficultly and yet can still enjoy the simpler things in the game and have some decent fun with few worries or challenges.

- Married with Two Children is like playing at Medium/Normal: Now you are in a place where most other people are and where most are expected to go and you now realize that things aren’t as fun anymore and difficultly has greatly increased, but you still get by OK.

- Married with Three Children is like playing at Hard: You understand the meaning of work, pain, suffering and the like and struggle to get through on most occasions though you get gratification of eventually accomplishing the many large difficult tasks/challenges/obstacles laid before you.

- Married with Four Children is like playing at Very Hard: You envy everyone else while no one envies you and life seems to be almost like living in Hell while being attacked all of the time with only the few high points that keep you going, away from the brink of death at every turn, no matter the intense pain and suffering constantly presented.

- Married with Five Or More Children is like playing at Extreme/Insane/Hell/etc.: You’ve lost grip with yourself, your partner, your friends and with reality and have gone completely insane and wish to either die quickly or kill everyone else without a pause of thought or emotion or remorse… OR you are just a crazy Mormon with too much damn time on your hands.
———————

I thought you’d say that.

NOTE: This story is in no way meant to hurt or be rude to those that are Mormon or to the Mormon religion. I happen to have Mormon friends and think very highly of them. I just can’t help the thought that every single Mormon family I’ve encountered has at least 5 kids, or more like at least 10. Please disregard any comments made to Mormons here… Thank you.